I don’t know if you are aware but last week the most important annual event in journalism occurred, the NME announced it’s Cool List (in association with Nokia). The winner was a Mr Frank Carter of ‘hardcore’ ‘punk’ band The Gallows. In order to mark this occasion I decided to send Frank a message.
Dear Frank (if you are any other member of the Gallows stop reading now, you did not make the Cool List and therefore are not worthy to read my words),
Can I just say CONGRATULATIONS on becoming #1 Cool List Man of 2007 as decided by the NME in association with Nokia (What’s cooler than the Rockstar who has it all? Why the Nokia N81 of course! LOL!). You must be very proud to know that your existence here on earth has made a real impact.
To be honest before I saw the NME list (In association with the Nokia N Series) I didn’t even know who you were! Don’t be too offended by that, I am an 84 year old man and much modern music passes me by, but being a big fan of cool ever since first watching the Fonz in Happy Days I decided to check you guys out!
I found the video for your “Staring At The Rude Boys” single on the internet and I must say I was amazed.
‘Oh my Gosh’ I thought, ‘here is a punk band who are releasing a cover of a punk song, how unbelievably cool is that!’
I was so amazed that i had to phone up my friend Tim to tell him
‘Wait to you hear this Tim! There is a punk band, who’s lead singer is in the combined opinion of the NME AND Nokia the coolest in the list! And guess what their new song, well it isn’t even a new song! No it’s a cover of a song by minor punk band The Ruts! How amazing is that?!’
Typical of Tim he was not impressed.
‘Sure didn’t Busted start the idea of covering punk bands when they did Teenage Kicks. Are these guy like Busted?’
‘No Tim, you idiot, these guys are not like Busted! For a start the song is a ‘Hard core’ ‘punk’ song right but it has a rapper in it!’
‘Holy Christ’ said Tim, ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes I am, and only that, the guy rapping is BLACK! That’s right a BLACK man on a Punk rock song!’
‘Shitting Jesus, that’s the coolest thing I have ever heard!’ said Tim.
I bet it was your idea to put a black rapper on a Punk song wasn’t it Frank? I bet you thought it up all by your own cool (in association with Nokia) self? Didn’t you Frank? I bet you did?
I then went on to tell tell Tim about how you got tattooed on stage and how you are getting Fuck The NME tattooed on yourself
‘But they gave him the award in association with Nokia?!?’ said Tim
‘I know!’ I told him ‘but Frank is so cool he doesn’t care!’
So Frank I just want to say I love you and that I don’t think there has been a single more important person on the earth ever and I bet if you ever were allowed to release a single of a song you had actually written yourself I bet it would be amazing. And cool! (In association with Nokia of course).
Good bless you Frank, you are a Prince Among men! May you live forever.
Regards,
Spike
( p.s. I only have a Sony Ericsson phone, is that okay? Do I need to get a Nokia one now to be cool? )
