About a year ago I bought this toilet from B&Q, and because of this toilet the past year has been the best year of my life. On discovering that B&Q have a section of their website where they actively encourage people to leave a compliment I thought I would share with them the joy their bog has brought me
Dear Wonderful Wonderful B&Q,
About a year ago I bought one of your ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’. Around that time I was having problems with my movements (I am an 84 year old man and not long for this world so such problems are not unusual (as Tom Jones once said)).
Figuring that a change was as good a holiday I decided to replace my clapped out old Armitage Shanks crapper with a brand spanking new one from one of your wonderful stores.
I chose your ‘To Go’ toilet because up until that point that was the thing I was having most problems with (i.e. I was unable ‘to go’).
Well bless my saints no sooner had my new chod trough been fitted that my guts took a remarkable about face! It was as if someone had waved a magic wand over my back end and it sprang to life like the chest buster scene in Alien.
I haven’t looked back since, there’s been no need, it is clear by the sound alone that everything is in perfect working order back there. In fact each morning now I am graced with the pounding anal rhythms of me taking the first (and usually most) vigorous dump of the day. Ah yes the sound of those triumphant turds touchdowning into the toilet water are truly MY dawn chorus!
Through the good times and the bad my ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’ has been there for me. In fact I remember one incident from the summer which shows just what a quality item this toilet is.
I had spent the afternoon sitting in the park drinking QC Sherry by myself. On my way home feeling a bit peckish I decided to try out one of those kebabs I keep hearing so much about. Bouyed up with the false QC courage I demanded a kebab “with everything”. I took it home and tucked in but no sooner had I swallowed the last mouthful than there was a full scale kerfuffel in my colon.
I raced to my porcelain throne onto which I was glued for the next half hour. The water beneath me was treated to a brown avalanche the like of which I had not expelled in years, nay, DECADES. I swear after the deluge finally ceased I wasn’t sure if I should wipe my arse or bandage it! But my ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’ held true and with a quick flush and scrub with the brush it was good as new.
But I fear I am boring you with these longwinded platitudes so I shall sign of with one final round of thanks,
THANKS B&Q YOU ROCK!!
Spike
