To day I discovered that Fyffes have a website so I contacted them with a plan to stop Global Warming!
Hello!
Yes sir that’s a right! I a know how a stoppa the global warming, yes I do!
But I need YOUR (The Fyffe Bananana Company) help.
Here’s my idea, how about one day next week the world wakes up to find that there are no bananas in ANY shops ANYWHERE in the world!
What you do is to hide a full days worth of bananas in a warehouse somewhere, or maybe just set a load of starving monkeys on them so there be no bananas for no man!
Everyone going into the shops will be like
“Hey dude, didn’t there used to be like, um, you know, like bananas over there?”
People will freak out (especially the Chinese) and they’ll be phoning up the radio stations and the newspapers and the TVs going
“Yo where am the bananas?”
They in turn will contact you guys and you’ll say
“There are no bananas today. We checked all the banana trees yesterday and they were bare. We asked the man in charge of bananas in Africa and he told us that they didn’t grow because of global warming. He said that there will more bananas back tomorrow but if we don’t stop global warming then we may never get no more bananas again.”
Then you shout into the TV camera
“PEOPLE WE NEED TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING OR THERE WILL BE NO MORE BANANA FRITTERS, NO MORE BANANA SPLITS AND NO MORE BANANAS EATEN JUST BY THEMSELVES. THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR POTASSIUM FROM? RADISHES? SURE THAT’LL WORK… NOT! STOP GLOBAL WARMING NOW!”
What do you say Fyffes, you with me on this? Trust me this will work, I hid Nigel in my nursing home’s bananas yesterday and he went bat shit. Imagine if the whole world went bat shit just for one day! There won’t be a problem we can solve! Hurrah for us.
If you do not agree to this I can only assume that you like the idea of global warming, of polar bears drowning, of vast Indian villages flooded to DEATH and of George W Bush dancing on the graves of millions of dead monkeys. In that case I am compelled to say that you, Fyffes, you are worst than Hitler.
Damn your eyes!
Yours sincerely,
Spike Tanner
p.s. stop putting them little stickers on bananas, they do my head in.
