Something needs to be done about errant drug user Pete Doherty. I have devised a plan and asked the good folks at the Daily Mail to help me
Dear Daily Mail,
I am writing to you full of rage and anger over the judicial systems seeming impotence in dealing with heroin ravaged chancer Peter Doherty of ‘indie’ beat combo The Babyshamblings.
How can one man be spared a prison sentence time and time again? He repeatedly breaks the law; going on opium fuelled rampages yet the courts turn a seemingly blind eye, each time offering him the chance to skip a proper punishment by making a token trip into rehab.
I feel something needs to be done to force the Law to take serious action and I feel it will take a paper like yourselves to force the issue into the public consciousness so that those in charge can no longer ignore it.
What I am proposing is that you somehow dupe Doherty into taking heroin on camera thus proving that he is not ‘clean’ nor has any intentions to stop chasing the dragon.
I understand that for legal reasons you could not entrap him but that is where I am prepared to help. I am offering to procure the heroin, then with a little bit of help from yourselves accost Mr Doherty at one of his ’shooting galleries’ where I will tell him that I have loads of grade A skag back at my house which he can have for free if he comes back with me. If I know anything about Junkies it’s that they can not resist a free fix! Then once he starts cooking up in my kitchen we catch the whole sordid scene on hidden cameras.
I am fully prepared to accept the legal consequences of procuring and allowing heroin use in my house, truth is I am 84 years of age and not long for this world. If the legal system in their wisdom decide to prosecute me chances are I will be dead long before the lock me up. Even if I am by some sort of sick practical joke of our Maker’s making still alive when sent to the big house I am made of stern stuff and will pass my time there with ease.
I served in the US Marines under Eisenhower and fear no man made penitentiary. I have stared death in the eye and spat in his face, I have mambo with mortality, waltzed with wickedness, tangoed with terror, samba’ed with suffering and lambada’ed with lethal inevitabilities. I have seen death spilt lazily unto footpaths, mercilessness as entertainment, cruelty of a degree that would make Old Nick (that’s right Lucifer himself!) balk in fear. Prison nor death do not bother me, especially not your British prisons which are more akin to holiday camps with their satellite TVs and snooker tables. Hell you British pansies don’t even have the death penalty! My what a joke you are, you feeble liberal half hearted nation, no wonder flyweight pipsqueaks like Doherty and his ilk can run roughshod all over your pathetic country.
You make me sick.
But yes, as I said I am willing to entrap Doherty so if you are up for it and are willing to pay my expenses let me know.
Yours in cahoots,
Spike Tanner
p.s. What about that Amy Winehouse too?! First she says she’s not going to rehab, then she bloody well checks herself in! Women eh? They just can’t make their minds up about anything can they?!
