Golf Again!

Emailed these nice people about my love of golf!

Hello!

How are you today?

Good I hope:-)

My name is Spike Tanner and I am not long for this world.  I am 84 years old, and as you can probably guess my best days are behind me.

In the past few years I have been ticking off ambitions on my “Things to do before I DIE!” list.  It has been real good fun let me tell you, I have fed a REAL horse sugar cubes, I have travelled on the Maid Of The Mist at Niagara Falls (although luckily they had turned them off that day otherwise I probably would have caught pneumonia! And Died! LOL!) and I have been a sex tourist in Singapore.

The only thing left on my list to play the full 18 holes at a real nice golfing field and after looking at many on the Internet I would really like that golf course to be yours!

Can you tell me how I may go about booking a ‘round’ of golf at your establishment?

Also I have a few additional requirements which I think I should make you aware of before you book be in for an all expenses paid golfing adventure of a lifetime!

Sadly for me, I temporarily lost the use of my legs during a bit of ‘horseplay’ on my holiday in Singapore.  The doctor has advised me to remain in a wheelchair until, as he put it, ‘That shit down there sorts itself out.’

How exactly do you accommodate people in wheelchairs on your golf course?  Is it like in bowling where they give you a little ramp to roll the balls down on?  Or do you allocate me a man and I give him instructions on how hard and to hit the ball and in what direction?

Also, you will need to provide me with someone to push my wheelchair around the field because, there is NO WAY I’ll have the strength to do it myself. Whoever it is can you make sure they wear plenty of deodorant as I am a fairly hefty chap and anyone lugging me about all day is bound to work up a sweet sweat!

One final thing, I am a Black man and half Muslim, so am I even allowed on your golf course?  I know back in the day it was a BIG no no, just wondering if that is still the case?  If it is can you give me the name of a good Negroid friendly golfing pitch which will let me play?

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Love and kisses,

Spike

America’s Next Top Comic

My favourite comedian of all time is this guy RyaN Nathaniel HortoN.

I offered to give him some extra material.

Hi Ryan,
been following your profile on MySpace for some time now and I just gots to say you are my favourite comic of all time!  I mean it man, you are the best!  But there is one thing your act lacks…
YOU DON’T DO ENOUGH BLACK PEOPLE VERSUS WHITE PEOPLE STUFF!

If you think about all the really great comedians of our time, people like Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle, Dan Marino, Robin Williams, Carrot Top they all spend at least half their act talking about how The White Man and The Black Man just ain’t the same.

But I want to help you Ryan, I want you to go straight to the Top! I’ve written you a bit, which is yours for free to use in your next stand up show.  Check it out!

‘Hey you know the way people go on about black and white, saying like this thing here is black and this thing here is white?  Yeah you know that yeah?
But you know, sometimes people can’t decide if something is either Black or White!!  It’s True!  I know it sounds crazy but it is true!
Take Jesus for example!  Some People say he was a black man, some people say he was a white man!  It’s crazy, I know but it’s true!

Can you think of anybody else who people can’t decide if they are black or white?  Well can you? I CAN!  MICHAEL JACKSON!

That’s right, Michael Jackson, people can’t decide if he is black or white!
Which made me think, what would it be like if Michael Jackson was crucified for our sins in 33AD instead of Jesus!  Ever think about that?  I have and I think it would go a little something like this..

(at this point you put on a hat, some sunglasses and a glittery glove)

Hey Tito!
Tito!  Tell these guys to get me off of this crucifix man!  I ain’t done nothing!  Seriously Tito!  Phone Johnnie Cochran!  Quick!

(and then you’d take off the glasses and end by saying)

I’d like to see him Moonwalk out of that!’

So that’s yours, for free Ryan, make the most out of it, its solid gold.

The only thing I ask is that if Letterman ever asks you to do that bit on his show you get me free tickets, deal?
Don’t bother getting me tickets for Leno though, he’s a cunt.

Love you,
Spike