Spice Up Your Christmas Shopping!

At the moment I am very much enjoying this Spice Girls ad.  So I thought I’d write to these guys to let them know how much I like it!

Hello Sainsburys,
Have a nice day!
I have been watching TV lately.
I seened you’re adverting for Christmas.
With the Spice Girls.
It very good!
Posh Spice she pretend she TV show!
Baby Spice she hide in a jumper!
Sporty Spice she do something too (I forget:-( )
Eddie Murphy Spice; she hid behind big robot spaceman face!
And Ginger Spice, oh Ginger Spice:-(
Don’t she look old now?  Doesn’t she but?  She looks really old now don’t you think.

The rest of them look alright, but Ginger Halliwell Spice, she looks old now doesn’t she?

She looks old now I reckon, do you reckon she looks all old?

I’m old meself (I am 84 years of old and not long for this world) and I know lots of old people.

Ginger Geri Halliwell Spice, she looks as old as some of the old people I know.

I think it is good that you have someone on your adverting which do look so old.  I am old me self (I am 84 years of old and not long for this world) and seeing someone who is like me (old) on your adverting makes me think I should do my Christmas shop in a Tesco’s.

My problem is that on the adverting the Spice Girls all be shopping at girlie stuff.  My presents to buy are to be going to male masculine men so I can’t get them the girls stuff that they buying in adverting.  Do you sell stuff that I can give to my male friends?  Not really that particular on what the stuff is but I don’t want anything that smells bad as I will have to keep stuff in my house before I give it to my friends.

Bye bye Sainsburys I love you and the Spice Girls (even old lady Spice Ginger! LOL)
Fank you,
Spike

p.s. yesterday on my way home to me house me look into the window of someone’s house and sitting in the house me saw an woman sitting up at a piano playing at the piano.  I don’t think she had a TV neither, I think that instead of watching TV she play piano in the evening.  You don’t often see that nowadays now do you?  Why don’t you get her on your next TV adverting, maybe for Easter?

My Toilet Ecstasy!

About a year ago I bought this toilet from B&Q, and because of this toilet the past year has been the best year of my life.  On discovering that B&Q have a section of their website where they actively encourage people to leave a compliment I thought I would share with them the joy their bog has brought me

 
Dear Wonderful Wonderful B&Q,

  About a year ago I bought one of your ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’.  Around that time I was having problems with my movements (I am an 84 year old man and not long for this world so such problems are not unusual (as Tom Jones once said)). 

Figuring that a change was as good a holiday I decided to replace my clapped out old Armitage Shanks crapper with a brand spanking new one from one of your wonderful stores. 

I chose your ‘To Go’ toilet because up until that point that was the thing I was having most problems  with (i.e. I was unable ‘to go’).

 

Well bless my saints no sooner had my new chod trough been fitted that my guts took a remarkable about face!  It was as if someone had waved a magic wand over my back end and it sprang to life like the chest buster scene in Alien.

I haven’t looked back since, there’s been no need, it is clear by the sound alone that everything is in perfect working order back there.  In fact each morning now I am graced with the pounding anal rhythms of me taking the first (and usually most) vigorous dump of the day.  Ah yes the sound of those triumphant turds touchdowning into the toilet water are truly MY dawn chorus!

Through the good times and the bad my ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’ has been there for me.  In fact I remember one incident from the summer which shows just what a quality item this toilet is.

 

I had spent the afternoon sitting in the park drinking QC Sherry by myself.  On my way home feeling a bit peckish I decided to try out one of those kebabs I keep hearing so much about.  Bouyed up with the false QC courage I demanded a kebab “with everything”.  I took it home and tucked in but no sooner had I swallowed the last mouthful than there was a full scale kerfuffel in my colon.

I raced to my porcelain throne onto which I was glued for the next half hour.  The water beneath me was treated to a brown avalanche the like of which I had not expelled in years, nay, DECADES. I swear after the deluge finally ceased I wasn’t sure if I should wipe my arse or bandage it!  But my ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’ held true and with a quick flush and scrub with the brush it was good as new.

 

But I fear I am boring you with these longwinded platitudes so I shall sign of with one final round of thanks,

THANKS B&Q YOU ROCK!!

  Spike

 

Citigolf

On a recent visit to Belfast I passed an establishment called Citigolf. I was compelled to write to them.

Dear Citigolf,
where do you people get off?
Why in heaven’s earth did you decide to call yourselves Citigolf instead of City Golf?
What, pray tell is to be gained by spelling your name wrongly?
Do you think it makes you cool? Do you think that the ‘kids’ will want to go to you crap hole?
Do you think Prince will be impressed by your crap spelling and decide to call in for a few ’rounds’?
You may think I am over-reacting to your disgraceful disregard to proper spelling but I assure I am not.
As an ethnic person (I am a black man) I know better than anyone the terrible struggle immigrants have to make their way in Belfast. Most come over here with only their native language and only start to learn English after they arrived. It does them no favours AT all when signs on Public Buildings like your shop front are spelt wrong! You can imagine what the poor bastards are thinking when they see it
“What is a citi? Is that the same as city? Is city actually spelt citi? have I been spelling it wrong?”
Then you can imagine one such person writing an address to show to some one spelling citi. More than likely they will be mocked for the poor spelling. Such mockery leads to resentment my friends, so it is not surprising that the Arab world hates us westeners so much when people like you are making their lives needlessly hard.

I demand that you and your organisation change your name immediately to help the minorities. Now I know that you are a golfing organisation and I know the golfing industry traditionally does not have much time for minorities but I think even you will agree that in the current climate something needs to be done.

Yours Ferociously,
Spike

Hello Mr Number At Being Cool

I don’t know if you are aware but last week the most important annual event in journalism occurred, the NME announced it’s Cool List (in association with Nokia).  The winner was a Mr Frank Carter of ‘hardcore’ ‘punk’ band The Gallows.   In order to mark this occasion I decided to send Frank a message.

Dear Frank (if you are any other member of the Gallows stop reading now, you did not make the Cool List and therefore are not worthy to read my words),

Can I just say CONGRATULATIONS on becoming #1 Cool List Man of 2007 as decided by the NME in association with Nokia (What’s cooler than the Rockstar who has it all?  Why the Nokia N81 of course! LOL!).  You must be very proud to know that your existence here on earth has made a real impact.

To be honest before I saw the NME list (In association with the Nokia N Series) I didn’t even know who you were!  Don’t be too offended by that, I am an 84 year old man and much modern music passes me by, but being a big fan of cool ever since first watching the Fonz in Happy Days I decided to check you guys out!

I found the video for your “Staring At The Rude Boys” single on the internet and I must say I was amazed.

‘Oh my Gosh’ I thought, ‘here is a punk band who are releasing a cover of a punk song, how unbelievably cool is that!’

I was so amazed that i had to phone up my friend Tim to tell him

‘Wait to you hear this Tim!  There is a punk band, who’s lead singer is in the combined opinion of the NME AND Nokia the coolest in the list!  And guess what their new song, well it isn’t even a new song!  No it’s a cover of a song by minor punk band The Ruts! How amazing is that?!’

Typical of Tim he was not impressed.

‘Sure didn’t Busted  start the idea of covering punk bands when they did Teenage Kicks.  Are these guy like Busted?’

‘No Tim, you idiot, these guys are not like Busted!  For a start the song is a ‘Hard core’ ‘punk’ song  right but it has a rapper in it!’

‘Holy Christ’ said Tim, ‘Are you serious?’

‘Yes I am, and only that, the guy rapping is BLACK!  That’s right a BLACK man on a Punk rock song!’

‘Shitting Jesus, that’s the coolest thing I have ever heard!’ said Tim.

I bet it was your idea to put a black rapper on a Punk song wasn’t it Frank?  I bet you thought it up all by your own cool (in association with Nokia) self? Didn’t you Frank?  I bet you did?

I then went on to tell tell Tim about how you got tattooed on stage and how you are getting Fuck The NME tattooed on yourself

‘But they gave him the award in association with Nokia?!?’ said Tim

‘I know!’  I told him ‘but Frank is so cool he doesn’t care!’

So Frank I just want to say I love you and that I don’t think there has been a single more important person on the earth ever and I bet if you ever were allowed to release a single of a song you had actually written yourself I bet it would be amazing.  And cool! (In association with Nokia of course).

Good bless you Frank,  you are a Prince Among men! May you live forever.

Regards,

Spike

( p.s. I only have a Sony Ericsson phone, is that okay?  Do I need to get a Nokia one now to be cool? )

The Hoosiers Respond

The Hoosiers sent me this

thats funny,
yes we’re twats
but its fun 

Ungh! It’s that’s not thats!  And it’s it’s not its! Can’t these faux indie kids spell!

The ‘Hoosiers’

I have recently discovered a band called The Hoosiers.   They have a song called ‘Goodbye Mr. A’ and I was compelled to contact them to discuss it.

Hello Hoosiers,
my name is Spike Tanner. Me and a friend of mine were watching MTV one day when the video for your ’song’ “Goodbye Mr A” came on TV. We were astounded by it I must say, not just by the poor quality of both the production and the ideas behind it (by the way, were you’se made out to be cartoon superheroes so’s to make you appear wacky or was it to make you look to be a bunch of twats? Because if was twats the director deserves a bonus for doing a stand up job).

After of about 2 minutes of staggering disbelief that such utter dung was being broadcast (albeit only by MTV) our chat turned to what the song was actually about. Both of us had our own very distinct ideas and I was hoping you maybe able to clarify for me which of us was the closet.

My interpretation of the song was that ‘Mr A’ was a euphemism for anal sex and that when you sing ‘Goodbye Mr A’ you are referring to when you left boarding school (I am assuming you all went to boarding school as by looking at you you do come across as the sort of feckless middle class white boys which populate such institutions). In the song I imagine you are thinking of a time when graduating from Boarding School you were also waving goodbye to all the years of foisting yourselves upon younger school boys and engaging in character building anal sex with them. Now that you are leaving boarding school you are saying that you can no longer indulge in this pastime of yours and must now seek gratification with women, so in effect you are saying ‘Goodbye to Mr A’.

My friend Jim reckons that the song was about nothing at all, and that it was probably written for you lot by an accountant fronted focus groups as it it clear to see that there isn’t an ounce of artistic integrity between you all.

Which one of us is closest? Please right back as soon as possible as I am 84 years of age and not long for this world and I would hate to go to my grave not knowing the true meaning behind such a worthless nugget of pop ‘culture’ (that is ‘culture’ in the fungus sense of the word LOL).
Yours sincerely,
Spike