Sorry for not having written recently, I was in a coma.
But when I awoke I was blessed to hear the exciting news that Led Zeppelin had reformed! Right away I set off to get tickets and was lucky enough to do so. But before I make plans to travel to the show I decided to contact the promoter with a few questions about the show.
Dear Harry Goldberg,
I am one of the lucky few people to have won tickets off of eBay for your reunion show with Led Zeppelin on November 26th! Lucky me!
I have a few questions though about the facilities at the show; can you answer them for me?
I am 84 years of age and not long for this world. As you can imagine, as a man of advancing years (like yourself) I don’t get around quite as well as I used too and don’t have quite the bodily capabilities that I used to. My main concern is toilets, will there be toilets available for members of the public to use at the show or will they all be reserved Paulo Nutini et al? If there are not public toilets available what should I do in the likely event I pee myself? This happens quite regularly for me. Normally I just ring my bell and one of the helpers come, takes me to the side and pads me down. Would the stewards at the gig be able to do this? I am quite happy to sit there in my own urine if necessary but I have scolded for doing so in the past by the doctor as it can cause rashes.
While I am on to you can I also put in a few requests for the show?
I think it would be quite touching if the band could pay tribute to some of their influences; how about inviting on stage some old blues men? The band could then herd the bluesmen over to an oversized replica of a mincing machine (you know, the type wot butchers use to make sausages, init?) and toss them in. Then instead of mince coming out the other end the machine could chew up the blues men spitting out dollar bills which Jimmy Page could collect, laugh manically, much liked he laughed all the way to the bank when he made a career out of ripping off dirt poor black musicians. Maybe the machine could spit out one or two of the blues men with their clothes all tattered etc. Page could then climb up a ladder above them and then shit on them, quite literally, from a great height?
Another request I have is that Led Zep play tribute to what they are perhaps most famous for and degrade some young women live onstage! I know a young girl from round our way who is VERY messed up on drugs. I know ‘back in the day’ that this was exactly the sort of girl the guys used to love taking back to the hotel room and taking advantage of, and given her perilous state I sure she’ll do it for just tiny amount of drugs. I was thinking maybe she could lie on a bed while a procession of roadies walk past taunt her with sexual swear words. Then Jimmy Page could climb up his ladder from earlier and also shit on her from a great height.
Finally I really hope you don’t spoil the special ambience of the evening and have the band engage in chat in between songs. This would create the false impression that they really do like each other and that the show isn’t really just a lucrative cash for the guys. There is something truly magical about a group of has been rockers plus the semi talented son of the dead one getting together to make a mockery of their supposed legacy to hawk the 27th repackaging of the same old ‘greatest hits’. I would hate to have this spoiled with a half hearted attempt to make the audience think that all those involved have nothing but utter contempt for everyone watching. Please make sure this doesn’t happen!?!
Anyways, got to go, it’s my turn at Scrabble. Look forward to seeing you at the show?
Regards,
Spike Tanner
P.S. What time is Foreigner over at? I might just arrange for my lift to pick me up after them because I looked at the rest of the line-up and quite frankly it is a steaming heap of shit.
