Gordon Ramsey

Being a fan of swearing and food I decided to email Gordon Ramsey.

Hello Gordon Ramsey.
My name is Spike Tanner and I am a big fan of your swearing. (Or maybe I should say a huge fucking fan? LOL! Cunt!)
Anyway gather up a chair dear Gordon for I have a store to tell and at the end of it is a request, a very strange request which you might find advantageous?!?
For the past 68 years I have been travelling the world playing the Blues with my band Spike Tanner and The Bulging Sacks. I made a pretty sweet living out of it but unfortunately my behaviour on the road was never that sweet.
I have done some bad things in my time, evil sick things.
I have poured bacon fat into a Jewish man’s coffee, I have deliberately sneezed on a child’s grapes, I have put pornographic magazines in Catholic confessional boxes, I have pissed on a jockey’s saddle, I have sown phallic symbols into a nun’s habbit, I have smoked marijuana in a mosque and crack cocaine in the Vatican.
I have put laxatives in the water station on a marathon race, I have defecated on the ground at a Phil Colins concert, I have started rumours about Mel Brooks and Jennifer Love Hewitt, I have troubled cattle and bothered sheep.
I have lied about my favourite colour.
I have mocked the blind and disorientated the dumb.
I have denied the moon landings ever took place.
For all these acts I am truly sorry and I seek forgiveness but for me forgiveness will be hard to come by.
I do not believe in God or an afterlife, it’s all a load of hocus pocus mumbo-jumbo if you ask me! But I do fell I need reprimanded for my many crimes before I leave this mortal plain. And this is where Gordon , you come in.

I am 84 years and do not expect to see the next St Swithen’s day. I have meagre saving but enough for one last delicious meal at one of your restaurants. What I am proposing is that I come to one of your restaurants Gordon and order the most delicious meal on offer. Then as I sit enjoying the hearty repast I want you to come out in front of all the diners and give me a bollocking. but not just any bollocking but the bollocking from HELL.
I want you to tear strips out of me, call me all the names under the sun
“A fucking cunt-wallop”
“A pissing toad’s penis”
“A worthless fanny scab”
“A tambourine made of blood and dung.”
That sort of thing.
This way I will perhaps feel like I have served some sort of penance for my heinous acts and you will be able to get your usual hard-on from acting like a ignorant ball-bag in a room full of cowering tossers.

So what do you say? Please tell me you will grant a dying man his last wish, his only chance for eternal absolution? Or will you be your usual selfish shitty self, standing there in your little chef’s outfit with a head on you like a busted cock?

Let me know by return of email!

Yours fucking sincerely,
Spike

Gillian McKeith

I had an idea for a TV show so I contacted Dr Gillian McKeith to ask her to present it.

Hi Gillian!
Me have um TV Show Idea which me um thinkum you mightum be wanting to present!
My Name is Spike Tanner, I um hot shot producer from um TV Station “The Red Indian Network”.
As you know, us um red Indians have um two um big problems
1. alcoholism
2. fat woman folk
I thought we might combine um these two um things and um make um a TV show!
the idea is that we take um 5 red Indian squaws who are um slightly overweight but with the pretty faces i.e. F.I.L.Fs (fatties I would like to fuck).
We then put un in um big teepee and tell them that they are um not allowed any food whatsoever for 3 weeks to eat! All we allow them is to drink the alcohol, any alcoholic drink of they choosing.
We then follow them as they spend a protracted period in a drunken stupor, falling in and out of low rent bars and seedy night clubs. Then at the end of the three week period we weigh all five women and whoever has lost the most weight gets to decide what footage of them we use in the show. The rest we stitch up like um kipper as you English like to say.
Me thinkum this will be um BIG HIT as it has everything! For the women folk it has weight loss stuff which um they like um, for the men folk it have um reasonably attractive women grossly inebriated and (hopefully) making ill advised decision vis-a-vis unprotected casual sex!

So what do you say McKeith? If you want we can have you poke about the girls turds in and around episode 4 but you will need to give us advance notice on that one so we can feed them Guinness all day so there’s something worthwhile coming out their shucks.

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.
Loveum your workum,
Spike Tanner

Commerce

These days if you want to make it big in the music bizniz you need to get your stuff sold in all the big chains. With that in mind I emailed Tescos.

What’s up Tescos?
Come here, I need your advice.
I am a struggling rapper, hoping to make it big in the hip hop game. Unlike like most rappers though I am 84 years of age and not long for this world. I give myself maybe two years before I cop the big one, el Deatho. Sucks huh?
But dig this, I have just recorded my first ever rap CD (and judging by the amount of piss in my blood (yes I got that the right way around)) it’ll probably be my last.
‘But why he write us?’ I hear you ask.

Well the deal is this, my new CD is my last slot at hitting the big time, I ain’t got enough fuel in the tank to go around once more, I need this CD to be the one, to be the HAWT SHIIIT!
Now I know a lil about the music Biz, if I want to be up there with the big stars like Snow Patrol and Sandi Thom I need to get my stuff sold in big soulless, depressing, hateful supermarket chains like yourselves (even though dumps like yours are about as essential to music as a row of blisters is to a hand job).
Any way most of my songs are dead offensive with really sick lyrics so I need to give my CD an offensive title so that the kids will know what they are letting themselves in for. What I need you to tell me is which of the following 5 potential CD titles are you most likely to allow to be stocked in the joke that you call a music section

1. Niggering The Bit Out
2. Cover Me In Cocks And Roll Me Through The Covent
3. You Suck More Than Your Moma During Half Price Blow Job Week
4. Christ’s Little Secret
5. Thank Fuck For Fuckers

So let me know what you cowards are prepared to put up with and I’ll ship ya a couple of thousand CDs. And I tell you what I’ll even do some TV ads for you, I’ve even got a slogan sorted
“Tescos, if you think their food is cheap you should see what they pay their staff!”

Tally ho!
Spike

The Wrestling Entertainment World

Ever since the death of Chris Benoit I have become a huge fan of Vince McMahon’s WWE so I decided to send him a little letter.

Hello Vince McMahon,
I just had to write to let you know how much I love your show.
I think it is great, it’s like totally like soo the best show on TV.
My favourite current wrestle is Skywind Johnston, why come he no be on your show more?
My favourite wrestle of all timed is Kurt Cobain, he was BRILLIANT!  That move he did where he grabbed the other boys by the
hair and then shouted real loud in their ear, and then they would get a sore
head, was brilliant! Why come he no be on your show no more?
He was very good.
You know who you should get on your show?  That Maya Angelou, I just positively ADORE her poetry, she really captures what it means to be a woman, know what I mean.
She does do TV shows, I have seen her on TV shows before so it shouldn’t be too hard for you guys to get her on the show (maybe offer her some of that sweet cash money?).
I even know how you could get her on the show, you could have one of the wrestlers (one of the fat ones would be best) reading one of her books and then the other wrestlers could make fun of him and
call him a sissy and then Maya would come in and scold them and tell them they shouldn’t be making fun of him.  She would then tell
the other wrestlers one of her poems and they would all see the error of their ways.
And it would encourage kids to read so you do have an moral obligation to have her on the show.

Anyway, bye bye!
Spike

p.s. don’t have Maya on your show next week as I am away to my Uncle Ted’s house on holidays for a week and he don’t have cable.
Have her on the following week, I’m back by then.