A Message For Dara

On finding out that commedian Dara O’Briain had a Myspace page I felt compelled to write him.

Dear Dara O’Briain (or probably more accurately some low paid lackey that looks after “Mr” O’Briain’s myspace. In fact I’m just going to assume that Dara is too lazy to read this himself for the rest of the letter)

Dear Someone with access to Dara O’Briain’s myspace account,

For sometime now I have been a huge fan of Dara O’Briain (though going by that smug self satisfied “face” of his I’m now way as big a fan of his as he is of his own clamouring self).

Anyway I am just back from a trip to the Edinburgh festival and while I was there I was inspired into writing some jokes. As I am not a proper stand-up comedian nor am I even a comedian like Dara I thought I would offer the jokes to Dara which he can use the next time he is playing in Scotland.

The first joke is based on an observation I made while waiting to reclaim my luggage from the baggage carousel

“Have you ever notice blaaagh* how blaaagh you always get way more luggage on one side of the luggage carousel than the other?”

This joke is good because it’s true (the science behind it is that a lot of luggage gets lifted off the carousel before it gets to the other side).

It would be good for Dara to use this joke as it is something everyone who has been to airport can relate to and will make Dara seem a man of the people instead of the slabbering middle class bullwank that he obviously is.

This joke will cost you £200 if you want to use it.

The next joke is

“How many English men does it take to change a lightbulb? I don’t know either but I hope they all get electrocuted trying”

This joke will go down a storm in Scotland as they fucking hate the English up there. Now I know Dara might feel a bit uncomfortable saying this joke as he has spent most of this decade slavishly trying to suck the cock of the English media but hey tell him that if he does use it might remind him what it’s like to have a set of balls instead of going after cheap target like Gillian McKeith or something equally pathetic like he normally does ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

This joke due to its controversial content will cost the fat-headed dipshit £750.

The last joke is

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.”

I know this is an old joke but it is still WAAAAAY better than anything Mr Potato-Famine-Head has ever come up with. He can have this one for gratis as a show of good faith.

If you do decide to use any of these jokes give me a shout and I’ll tell you where to leave the money.

Cheers,

Spike Tanner

*in case you wondering the blaaagh in the first joke is that sound Dara makes when he is trying to cobble together a coherent sentence on TV. You know the one; it sounds like a paedophile slug slabbering up to a primary school playground full of kids, gentle rubbing himself as he formulates tales of free Nintendo games that’ll entice the children away for secret “play overs”.