Dogs

I saw a stray dog today so I decided to email Pedigree Chum.

Dearest Pedigree Chum,

I am a man lost at sea. I have a deep urge within which must be curtailed.

I need help bad. I need help which I believe only you can give.

 

Yesterday I was in the park. I don’t get around as much as I used to, I am 84 years of age and am not long for this world, so I took a seat on a bench to rest my legs. The bench had a dedication on it saying

“In memory of Maude, with whom I often sat here to chat as we watched the swans”

This heartfelt inscription made my heart swell with emotion, but if I felt emotional at this nothing could have prepared me for what happened next which was to swell me even further with additional emotion to an evenmore emotional state for real!

A dog walked up to me, a brutish looking mongrel, with a tatty coat and weary eyes. He sat down at the foot of the bench and started staring deep into my eyes. It was obvious that this dog was a stray, and it was also obvious he was trying to make a desperate plea for me to take him home.

I lay my hand on his head to give him a soft pet, as I did so he gave out a slow whine.

Little did I know that this was some sort of doggy signal as sneaking out of the bushes came a dozen or so other strays who all gathered at my feet, all silently hoping that I may bestow some affection.

I was overcomed, this was the single most saddest thing I have ever witnessed. Much sadder than when Diana died in that helicopter crash or when my own daughter died of vitamin C poisoning after I accidentally served her a fillet of polar bear liver.

I have to admit, I was so shaken by these hounds that I freaked out a little. I grabbed my walking stick and began waggling it at them in the hope that it might scare them off, but so lonesome were these hounds that they were prepared to endure the threat of violence in the hope of some love at the other end.

I even began to shout at them

“Sod off you dumb dogs!”

But still they sat.

Finally I had no other recourse but to throw the contents of my flask of tea at them (I must point out the flask had been opened for quite some time, and while the contents were undoubtedly warm it was in no way at scalding temperatures).

Finally the dogs left crawling back into the bushes from when they came and I sat on the bench alone, and in tears.

 

Something needs to be done about the number of stray dogs in this country. It is almost at epidemic levels. I have a plan but it needs a degree of funding, and as a company that profits from dogs’ misery I think it is your civic duty to fund it.

I want to start a poster campaign to cover ever city, town and village in this land highlighting the plight of stray dogs.

I have conceived a design for these posters. It is to be a picture of an unhappy mutt sat wet and miserable in a skip. Emblazoned across this picture would be the legend

“STRAY DOGS – WHERE DID YOUR BITCH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?”

And that would be it. Simple. Classic.

(I use the term bitch because it is a well known fact that only female dogs ever become stray. A male dog, much like a Japanese Samurai would rather commit seppuka (sucide) that to live without a master. They do this by chewing their own heart out of their stomach in a furious rage, the crazy bastards).

 

I know that if we put up half a million of these up over Britain then all the homeless hounds would disappear overnight.

So all I need you to do is to get these posters made up and plastered all over every available wall in this green and pleasant land.

Once you have done this send me an email as I would like to go out and see one up, the finished article if you like.

Thanks for all your help on this, you are good people.

Much love,

Spike

The Reading Festival

The BBC are currently covering The Reading Festival.

This annoys me greatly so I was compelled to contact with the following complaint.

Dear BBC,

I wish to complain in the strongest terms possible about your abhorrent coverage of the Reading (so called) Festival. I was absolutely disgusted by your choice of bands to broadcast to the nation.
First up was Razorlight. An ignorant conglomerate of clearly drugged up ne’er-do-wells, their bland, tepid, uninspiring tuneless dirges are an out an out disgrace and mock the memory of poor John Lennon who probably thanks his lucky stars he was shot in the face before that worthless shower had formed a group. By far the most offensive member of the band was their lead singer Jonny Bore-ll. If the Arnold Schwartzenegger character in Twins had of been replaced by Oscar Wilde, Bore-ll would have been a shoe-in for the Danny Devito role. He truly is a horrendous specimen of mankind and his unbelievable smugness in his negligible musical talents somehow makes you think Al Qaeda may have a point in wanting to destroy the west if thousands of westerners are prepared to stand in a muddy field to watch this poppinjay bark out his songs.
Then you had a band by the name of Enter Shikari. My God, have the English middle classes sunk so low that they now want to make American “Sports Metal” their own? What a pathetic unlistenable deluge of dung that was.

The feeble, spindly members of this band dressed in garish “punch me” attire flounced around the stage with all the intensity of a contented cat. It’s as if someone had discovered an antidote to punk rock and injected it into a group of trainee accountants and asked them to “act wacky”.

I demand no more coverage of this band EVER be allowed on your network.

Finally, to add insult to injury(!) this whole debacle was Edith Bowman. My God, surely there must be someone in the BBC that understands that abasic criteria Broadcaster is someone who is able to communicate to to masses of people? This vacuous bint should me made to trawl through recordings of her broadcasts and forced to find an single utterance by herself which has even a smidgen of interest to anyone who hasn’t been crippled by a brain rotting disease. She truly is worthless in every manner, shrill voiced, physically repellent, ugly and stupid in a way that somehow fails to be annoying but instead just outright annoys.
Sack her. Sack her now.

In summary everyone in your organisation should be ashamed of yourselves and you should self flagellate in penance at the direction you are pointing the youth of today.
For shame BBC. FOR SHAME!!

This Pete Doherty Buisness

Something needs to be done about errant drug user Pete Doherty. I have devised a plan and asked the good folks at the Daily Mail to help me

Dear Daily Mail,
I am writing to you full of rage and anger over the judicial systems seeming impotence in dealing with heroin ravaged chancer Peter Doherty of ‘indie’ beat combo The Babyshamblings.
How can one man be spared a prison sentence time and time again? He repeatedly breaks the law; going on opium fuelled rampages yet the courts turn a seemingly blind eye, each time offering him the chance to skip a proper punishment by making a token trip into rehab.
I feel something needs to be done to force the Law to take serious action and I feel it will take a paper like yourselves to force the issue into the public consciousness so that those in charge can no longer ignore it.
What I am proposing is that you somehow dupe Doherty into taking heroin on camera thus proving that he is not ‘clean’ nor has any intentions to stop chasing the dragon.
I understand that for legal reasons you could not entrap him but that is where I am prepared to help. I am offering to procure the heroin, then with a little bit of help from yourselves accost Mr Doherty at one of his ’shooting galleries’ where I will tell him that I have loads of grade A skag back at my house which he can have for free if he comes back with me. If I know anything about Junkies it’s that they can not resist a free fix! Then once he starts cooking up in my kitchen we catch the whole sordid scene on hidden cameras.
I am fully prepared to accept the legal consequences of procuring and allowing heroin use in my house, truth is I am 84 years of age and not long for this world. If the legal system in their wisdom decide to prosecute me chances are I will be dead long before the lock me up. Even if I am by some sort of sick practical joke of our Maker’s making still alive when sent to the big house I am made of stern stuff and will pass my time there with ease.
I served in the US Marines under Eisenhower and fear no man made penitentiary. I have stared death in the eye and spat in his face, I have mambo with mortality, waltzed with wickedness, tangoed with terror, samba’ed with suffering and lambada’ed with lethal inevitabilities. I have seen death spilt lazily unto footpaths, mercilessness as entertainment, cruelty of a degree that would make Old Nick (that’s right Lucifer himself!) balk in fear. Prison nor death do not bother me, especially not your British prisons which are more akin to holiday camps with their satellite TVs and snooker tables. Hell you British pansies don’t even have the death penalty! My what a joke you are, you feeble liberal half hearted nation, no wonder flyweight pipsqueaks like Doherty and his ilk can run roughshod all over your pathetic country.
You make me sick.

But yes, as I said I am willing to entrap Doherty so if you are up for it and are willing to pay my expenses let me know.
Yours in cahoots,
Spike Tanner

p.s. What about that Amy Winehouse too?! First she says she’s not going to rehab, then she bloody well checks herself in! Women eh? They just can’t make their minds up about anything can they?!

I know how we can stop global warming!

To day I discovered that Fyffes have a website so I contacted them with a plan to stop Global Warming!

Hello!
Yes sir that’s a right!  I a know how a stoppa the global warming, yes I do!
But I need YOUR (The Fyffe Bananana Company) help.
Here’s my idea, how about one day next week the world wakes up to find that there are no bananas in ANY shops ANYWHERE in the world!
What you do is to hide a full days worth of bananas in a warehouse somewhere, or maybe just set a load of starving monkeys on them so there be no bananas for no man!

Everyone going into the shops will be like

“Hey dude, didn’t there used to be like, um, you know, like bananas over there?”

People will freak out (especially the Chinese) and they’ll be phoning up the radio stations and the newspapers and the TVs going

“Yo where am the bananas?”

They in turn will contact you guys and you’ll say

“There are no bananas today.  We checked all the banana trees yesterday and they were bare.  We asked the man in charge of bananas in Africa and he told us that they didn’t grow because of global warming.  He said that there will more bananas back tomorrow but if we don’t stop global warming then we may never get no more bananas again.”

Then you shout into the TV camera

“PEOPLE WE NEED TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING OR THERE WILL BE NO MORE BANANA FRITTERS, NO MORE BANANA SPLITS AND NO MORE BANANAS EATEN JUST BY THEMSELVES.  THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?  WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR POTASSIUM FROM?  RADISHES?  SURE THAT’LL WORK… NOT!  STOP GLOBAL WARMING NOW!”

What do you say Fyffes, you with me on this?  Trust me this will work, I hid Nigel in my nursing home’s bananas yesterday and he went bat shit.  Imagine if the whole world went bat shit just for one day!  There won’t be a problem we can solve!  Hurrah for us.

If you do not agree to this I can only assume that you like the idea of global warming, of polar bears drowning, of vast Indian villages flooded to DEATH and of George W Bush dancing on the graves of millions of dead monkeys.  In that case I am compelled to say that you, Fyffes, you are worst than Hitler.

Damn your eyes!

Yours sincerely,
Spike Tanner

p.s. stop putting them little stickers on bananas, they do my head in.

An Email To Stephen Hawking

 Did you know that Stephen Hawking has his own website and that you can contact him here.  Neither did I until today.  Naturally I felt compelled to write.
Hello Stephen Hawkwind,
my name is Spike Tanner and I have a proposition for you!
I don’t know if you know but next year Marvel Comics plan to release a film based on the character Iron Man.
Now the deal with Iron Man is that he is this dude that makes this kick-ass metal suit so that he can fight crime.  Now this got me to a thinking, what if this film is a big hit?  What if this film becomes the biggest film of all time?  Bigger than Titanic? What if ALL OF PLANET EARTH goes all Doolally about watching films about men in big metal suits?
I think that me and you Stephen should make a film about a man in a metal suit too!  Starring YOU!  Professor Stephen Hawkwind!
Here’s the pitch:
You Stephen Hawkwind discover a mathematical equation which shows how good can overcome evil FOR EVER.  You decide then to banish all evil from the world.
But what motivates you to do this you ask?
Simple, while evil still ravishes planet earth all the earth’s media is clogged up reporting muggings, wars and violence.  But if there is no evil then the TV can dedicate their time to discussing your good friend Richard Dawkwinds theories to determine ONCE AND FOR ALL if there is a God.
The film would follow you as you come up with the mathematical equation, show you designing and making your suit and then we’d see you out and about in the suit KICKING SOME MAJOR ASS!
The film would end with a show down between you and trigger happy Norfolk farmer Tony Martin who has somehow managed to resurrect Fred West and Dr Harold Shipman using Voodoo powers he developed listening to Wu-Tang Clan albums in prison.  (this would be an allegory about how prison is just a breeding ground for criminals and that what is needed is rehabilitation.  We need a sub-plot like this to get the art house crowd in)

Oh I almost forgot the best part, see when ever you kill some bad guy you would always say a really cool physics based quip like
“I’m gonna make you disappear just like Schroedinger’s Cat!”
or
“You want to take a step back, I’m like a Black Hole, you get to close, you disappear!”

What do you reckon?  Are you in?
Obviously you will have to finance the whole thing but if you want to do this I could have the final script ready so that we can film it this December when you’re off school for your Christmas holidays.
Regards,
Spike

p.s. I almost forgot, the title of the film?  A Brief History Of Pain!  pretty badass eh?

A Message For Dara

On finding out that commedian Dara O’Briain had a Myspace page I felt compelled to write him.

Dear Dara O’Briain (or probably more accurately some low paid lackey that looks after “Mr” O’Briain’s myspace. In fact I’m just going to assume that Dara is too lazy to read this himself for the rest of the letter)

Dear Someone with access to Dara O’Briain’s myspace account,

For sometime now I have been a huge fan of Dara O’Briain (though going by that smug self satisfied “face” of his I’m now way as big a fan of his as he is of his own clamouring self).

Anyway I am just back from a trip to the Edinburgh festival and while I was there I was inspired into writing some jokes. As I am not a proper stand-up comedian nor am I even a comedian like Dara I thought I would offer the jokes to Dara which he can use the next time he is playing in Scotland.

The first joke is based on an observation I made while waiting to reclaim my luggage from the baggage carousel

“Have you ever notice blaaagh* how blaaagh you always get way more luggage on one side of the luggage carousel than the other?”

This joke is good because it’s true (the science behind it is that a lot of luggage gets lifted off the carousel before it gets to the other side).

It would be good for Dara to use this joke as it is something everyone who has been to airport can relate to and will make Dara seem a man of the people instead of the slabbering middle class bullwank that he obviously is.

This joke will cost you £200 if you want to use it.

The next joke is

“How many English men does it take to change a lightbulb? I don’t know either but I hope they all get electrocuted trying”

This joke will go down a storm in Scotland as they fucking hate the English up there. Now I know Dara might feel a bit uncomfortable saying this joke as he has spent most of this decade slavishly trying to suck the cock of the English media but hey tell him that if he does use it might remind him what it’s like to have a set of balls instead of going after cheap target like Gillian McKeith or something equally pathetic like he normally does ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

This joke due to its controversial content will cost the fat-headed dipshit £750.

The last joke is

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.”

I know this is an old joke but it is still WAAAAAY better than anything Mr Potato-Famine-Head has ever come up with. He can have this one for gratis as a show of good faith.

If you do decide to use any of these jokes give me a shout and I’ll tell you where to leave the money.

Cheers,

Spike Tanner

*in case you wondering the blaaagh in the first joke is that sound Dara makes when he is trying to cobble together a coherent sentence on TV. You know the one; it sounds like a paedophile slug slabbering up to a primary school playground full of kids, gentle rubbing himself as he formulates tales of free Nintendo games that’ll entice the children away for secret “play overs”.

God Hates Fags

It’s true what they say, you do learn something new everyday. Today thanks to this wonderful website I discovered that God Hates Fags. Always being the sort of person to show appreciation for receiving new info I sent them the following letter of thanks.

Dear GodHatesFags.com,
a dear friend of mine brought your website to my attention and I found it to be both balanced and informative. Whilst I am getting on in my years (I turned 84 last April and don’t get around as much as I used to) I felt compelled to try and do something to help further your cause.
Realistically being low of both money and health there was not much practically I could offer you but I still think could be of some help.

I spent a lot of the 80s protesting outside of abortion clinics and one of the hardest things I found about it was having to come up with new slogans for placards day after day. This is essential for any protest. If you use the same slogans over and over any press photographs taken will be hard to distinguish apart. A casual viewer think the photos were all taken on the same day so a righteous 60 day protest could be written off as a weak 1 hour demo, thus making the protester appear to lack resolve.
To that end, and knowing how hard it is to come up with original slogans may I offer you the following

Your Son Died! Who are you going to ask for a new one? The Gays? Some chance! Two men can’t conceive together!

Stop Turning Your Back On Sodomy!

Fags Are Evil! It Says So In The Bible! Go And Check If You Don’t Believe Me!

Jesus Died For Our Sins! He Did Not Die So That We Could Sin! Sins Like Two Men Bumming Each Other Which IS A Sin!

God Killed Your Son! God Hates You For Letting The Fags Be Fags! I Could Have Told You This!

Why Are We Killing Arabs In Iraq When There Are Gays Here?

Feel free to use any of these. If you would like any more you have my email address.
I have one question before I go, where do you stand on lesbianism? I don’t find it as offensive as Fags, as there are no male members or (as much) anal penetration involved. The thought of two woman being intimate, fully clothed of course, does provide me with warm feelings inside. Is it okay to think like this or does God hate lesbians also? Please let me know as I am pretty sure I could stop thinking these thoughts if I needed to.
Perhaps I could spend my time thinking up new slogans for you instead!!!
Yours in faith,
Spike

Blissbox Responds :-(

So I heard back from the good folks at Blissbox regarding the email I sent earlier this week (which you can see here). Sadly it was not the response I had hoped for

Dear Spike,

Thank you for your email and latest enquiry with Blissbox.com.

We can inform you that unfortunately your last wish of being cremated with Bonita will not be possible.

The reason for this is that she is made of rubber materials and these cause alot of smoke and harmful gases once alight.

If you have a plot for your urn after your cremation you could speak with your funeral director to see if you can have her placed in the bottom of your plot, although she would need to be deflated.

If you opted for this compromise it would would be considerate to clean Bonita, more for those who will be handling her to respect your final wish.

We hope this information helps and if you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us again via enquiries@blissbox.com or on our free-phone number (via landline) on 00 800 11 22 22 33.

Kind regards,

Blissbox.com Customer Services

Flips sake, looks like it’s back to the drawing board on that one.  Oh should I say back to the Blow Up Sex Doll board instead? LOL!!!

YouTube and Mandy Dingle

Whilst surfing the net today I discovered that YouTube take suggestions form the public here.

I sent the following request

Hello YouTube.
I am a big fan of the TV star Lisa Riley. You may know her better as firey busty firebrand Mandy Dingle from TV’s Emmerdale or as the definitive (sorry Jeremy Beadle! LOL!) presenter of TV’s You’ve Been Framed.
For me Lisa has the three most important things I look for in a woman
1. A good sense of humour
2. A big left ass cheek
3. A big right ass cheek
(plus the fact that she is white doesn’t harm matters either!)
Being such a big fan I thought I would check your website to see if you had any clips of Lisa either being Lisa or as Mandy Dingle.
Unfortunately my search proved fruitless, there are no clips on there!
I found this strange and mentioned it to my friend
“strange that a website as big as YouTube has no Mandy Dingle clips!” I said.
My friend then mentioned that you sometimes take DOWN clips due to inappropriate content, and that maybe you HAD had some clips of Lisa but decided to take it down from view to the wider public, perhaps because she was caught in, how shall I say it, a compromising position
Can you confirm whether or not you have such footage at your disposal? If so how may I obtain a copy?
If the quality of the clip is good enough price will not be an issue let me assure you.
I also assure I will maintain complete discretion in this matter and if the footage provided is to my satisfaction I may also be prepared to pay for additional footage of other celebrities (Dawn French, Vanessa Feltz to name but two).
Please confirm that you grant this request as soon as possible.
Regards,
Spike

I Am Getting Old/Inflatable Sex Doll

I’m getting old. And constantly think about my death.

Feeling closer to death than ever today I was compelled to write the following email to the good people at www.blissbox.com

Hello.
A while back I purchased one of your inflatable love/sex dolls. I write love/sex dolls because initially I only purchased the doll solely for the purpose of sex i.e. to have sex with it. But over time I have dearly come to love Bonita (it is the Banging Bonita Doll that I purchased).
I have owned other sex dolls before but my interest in them always waned. Truth be told I always took exception to their eyes; the other others dolls eyes looked harshly at me, looked down at me, made me feel dirty. A pervert even! (Let me tell you I am most certainly NOT a pervert!)
But Bonita had the kindest most beautiful eyes. They were so gentle and understanding that they reminded me of my dear kind mother.
But I digress. The reason I write you is that I fear I am not long for this world. I turned 84 last April and don’t get around as easily as I used to. I have made the decision that I wish to be buried with my Bonita. It would make me delirious to know that I am passing into the ever after with Bonita in my arms. But I fear there may be health and safety considerations, not for me obviously (for I will be dead) but for whatever mourners come out to mark my passing.
I am to be cremated and remember seeing an episode of the TV show Only Fools & Horses in which a number of inflatable dolls filled up with flammable gas. Clearly flammable gas and a cremation ceremony WOULD NOT MIX! Can you tell me, what is the risk of my doll filling up with flammable gas? Or indeed what are the chances of the doll filling up with ANY gas? Bonita suddenly ‘coming to life’ so to speak could cause the casket to spring open, what a farce that would be! It would make a mockery of such a solemn occasion and therefore not worth the risk.
Any help you may be able to provide would be gratefully received by man who just wants to die happy. Is that too much to ask?
Yours sincerely,
Spike Tanner

p.s. one final question which you probably don’t know the answer to but I thought I’d ask anyway. Do you know if dried ejaculate creates an unpleasant smell when burnt? Over the years I have built up considerable deposits in the bottom of Bonita’s front and back cavities. I am wary that the this may create an unsettling whiff in the air as I am created. I would attempt to remove it myself but am too frail to try such a task and realistically would need to get a third party to do it for me. As this is quite a delicate question to ask anyone I want to be sure it is necessary before I pose it.