The Spirit Of Spike

This blog is no longer updated but the spirit of Spike still lives on at

WWW.HORNY4TRUTH.COM

It’s Northern Ireland’s Truth Gigaplex, giving you all the news you need!

(And no, before you ask it’s not a porno site, 100% safe for work!)

Golf Again!

Emailed these nice people about my love of golf!

Hello!

How are you today?

Good I hope:-)

My name is Spike Tanner and I am not long for this world.  I am 84 years old, and as you can probably guess my best days are behind me.

In the past few years I have been ticking off ambitions on my “Things to do before I DIE!” list.  It has been real good fun let me tell you, I have fed a REAL horse sugar cubes, I have travelled on the Maid Of The Mist at Niagara Falls (although luckily they had turned them off that day otherwise I probably would have caught pneumonia! And Died! LOL!) and I have been a sex tourist in Singapore.

The only thing left on my list to play the full 18 holes at a real nice golfing field and after looking at many on the Internet I would really like that golf course to be yours!

Can you tell me how I may go about booking a ‘round’ of golf at your establishment?

Also I have a few additional requirements which I think I should make you aware of before you book be in for an all expenses paid golfing adventure of a lifetime!

Sadly for me, I temporarily lost the use of my legs during a bit of ‘horseplay’ on my holiday in Singapore.  The doctor has advised me to remain in a wheelchair until, as he put it, ‘That shit down there sorts itself out.’

How exactly do you accommodate people in wheelchairs on your golf course?  Is it like in bowling where they give you a little ramp to roll the balls down on?  Or do you allocate me a man and I give him instructions on how hard and to hit the ball and in what direction?

Also, you will need to provide me with someone to push my wheelchair around the field because, there is NO WAY I’ll have the strength to do it myself. Whoever it is can you make sure they wear plenty of deodorant as I am a fairly hefty chap and anyone lugging me about all day is bound to work up a sweet sweat!

One final thing, I am a Black man and half Muslim, so am I even allowed on your golf course?  I know back in the day it was a BIG no no, just wondering if that is still the case?  If it is can you give me the name of a good Negroid friendly golfing pitch which will let me play?

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Love and kisses,

Spike

America’s Next Top Comic

My favourite comedian of all time is this guy RyaN Nathaniel HortoN.

I offered to give him some extra material.

Hi Ryan,
been following your profile on MySpace for some time now and I just gots to say you are my favourite comic of all time!  I mean it man, you are the best!  But there is one thing your act lacks…
YOU DON’T DO ENOUGH BLACK PEOPLE VERSUS WHITE PEOPLE STUFF!

If you think about all the really great comedians of our time, people like Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle, Dan Marino, Robin Williams, Carrot Top they all spend at least half their act talking about how The White Man and The Black Man just ain’t the same.

But I want to help you Ryan, I want you to go straight to the Top! I’ve written you a bit, which is yours for free to use in your next stand up show.  Check it out!

‘Hey you know the way people go on about black and white, saying like this thing here is black and this thing here is white?  Yeah you know that yeah?
But you know, sometimes people can’t decide if something is either Black or White!!  It’s True!  I know it sounds crazy but it is true!
Take Jesus for example!  Some People say he was a black man, some people say he was a white man!  It’s crazy, I know but it’s true!

Can you think of anybody else who people can’t decide if they are black or white?  Well can you? I CAN!  MICHAEL JACKSON!

That’s right, Michael Jackson, people can’t decide if he is black or white!
Which made me think, what would it be like if Michael Jackson was crucified for our sins in 33AD instead of Jesus!  Ever think about that?  I have and I think it would go a little something like this..

(at this point you put on a hat, some sunglasses and a glittery glove)

Hey Tito!
Tito!  Tell these guys to get me off of this crucifix man!  I ain’t done nothing!  Seriously Tito!  Phone Johnnie Cochran!  Quick!

(and then you’d take off the glasses and end by saying)

I’d like to see him Moonwalk out of that!’

So that’s yours, for free Ryan, make the most out of it, its solid gold.

The only thing I ask is that if Letterman ever asks you to do that bit on his show you get me free tickets, deal?
Don’t bother getting me tickets for Leno though, he’s a cunt.

Love you,
Spike

This Teddy Bear Called Mohammed Business

The recent events concerning Gillian Gibbons’ arrest and imprisonment in Sudan for allowing a teddy bear to be called Muhammad have troubled me deeply.  Concerned I contacted Steve Wright’s Sunday Love Songs for solace.

Dear Steve Wright’s Sunday Love Songs,

Love the show!

I am writing to you as a man on the edge, at the end of his tether.  Everything I have ever believed in or held true has been cast asunder in the past few weeks because of what has happened to Gillian Gibbons after she allowed children in a Sudanese primary school call a teddy bear Muhammad.  You may be wondering why I am contacting Steve Wright’s Sunday Love Songs about this, but let’s be honest, who else is there contact Steve if not you?

My main problem with what has happened is that the fact is Gillain Gibbons DID commit a blasphemy, and by letting her out of prison after only 8 days do you really think she has learnt her lesson? I bet you any wager you care to make thatGibbons will be back to her deity mocking ways before the month is out, egging crucifixes or scrawling crude graffiti on statues of Buddha or whatever it is that sick people like this do to get their kicks.

And do we really need another blasphemer on the streets in the run up to Christmas?!?  I think not.   As far as I’m concerned if you do the crime you do the time!  Don’t you agree Steve?

It sickened me to my 84 year old guts to see those representatives from the House of Lords fly out (on the tax payers expense no doubt) to negotiate her early release.  Is this another Westernism we are trying to export out to the Middle East, short comfortable prison stays for criminals?  I think it’s bad enough that OUR prisons are nothing more than glorified holiday resorts without the government trying to turn Sudanese prisons likewise!

And another thing, where do Christians get off saying to comedians “oh you’d make fun of Jesus but you would mock Islam that quick!”  Well correct me if I’m wrong, but is Jesus not a prophet in the Muslim tradition too?  If you are going to mock any messenger from God is it not best to mock Jesus, that way you are not singling out any specific group?  Surely those who try to stop people from mocking Jesus are just trying to drive a wedge between the Christian and Muslim communities?

Like you Steve I am both a Muslim and a Christian and therefore I have much to lose from those who want to create disharmony between my two chosen religions.  I beg you in your capacity as a Radio 2 DJ to plead for more anti Jesus jokes and for Gillian to be sent back to prison, if you don’t I fear for my sanity.

Will you do this for me?  And will you also play ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ by Elton John and Kiki Dee?

Regards,

Spike

Only Fools And Horses Christmas Special

I love Only Fools and Horses and think now that it isn’t on TV no more they should make it into a comic book. I have contact Marvel comics to make this a reality.

Hey Marvel!
What’s happening?
Do you remember that time Del Boy and Rodney found that watch and became millionaires?
I do! Fricking made my Christmas that did!
Love for them to have another adventure this Christmas but turns out the BBC ain’t gonna make them no more:-(
Which obviously sucks, but I think the characters can still live on! I’ve attached a brilliant idea I have had for this years Christmas special which I need you to release as a proper comic. I’ve only come up with two pages so far but I’m sure you could pad it out with a few more easily what with all the other artists and writers you have working for you (maybe you could have Mickey Pearce come in and help Rodney dispose of the bodies? Or have Trigger act the ‘C U Next Tuesday’ as usual).
Anyway, write back and let me know how much you are going to pay me and when it’ll be in the shops.
Cheers and Merry Christmas!
Spike

(You may have to right click on the images above and save them to your computer to see them at the proper size)

Spice Up Your Christmas Shopping!

At the moment I am very much enjoying this Spice Girls ad.  So I thought I’d write to these guys to let them know how much I like it!

Hello Sainsburys,
Have a nice day!
I have been watching TV lately.
I seened you’re adverting for Christmas.
With the Spice Girls.
It very good!
Posh Spice she pretend she TV show!
Baby Spice she hide in a jumper!
Sporty Spice she do something too (I forget:-( )
Eddie Murphy Spice; she hid behind big robot spaceman face!
And Ginger Spice, oh Ginger Spice:-(
Don’t she look old now?  Doesn’t she but?  She looks really old now don’t you think.

The rest of them look alright, but Ginger Halliwell Spice, she looks old now doesn’t she?

She looks old now I reckon, do you reckon she looks all old?

I’m old meself (I am 84 years of old and not long for this world) and I know lots of old people.

Ginger Geri Halliwell Spice, she looks as old as some of the old people I know.

I think it is good that you have someone on your adverting which do look so old.  I am old me self (I am 84 years of old and not long for this world) and seeing someone who is like me (old) on your adverting makes me think I should do my Christmas shop in a Tesco’s.

My problem is that on the adverting the Spice Girls all be shopping at girlie stuff.  My presents to buy are to be going to male masculine men so I can’t get them the girls stuff that they buying in adverting.  Do you sell stuff that I can give to my male friends?  Not really that particular on what the stuff is but I don’t want anything that smells bad as I will have to keep stuff in my house before I give it to my friends.

Bye bye Sainsburys I love you and the Spice Girls (even old lady Spice Ginger! LOL)
Fank you,
Spike

p.s. yesterday on my way home to me house me look into the window of someone’s house and sitting in the house me saw an woman sitting up at a piano playing at the piano.  I don’t think she had a TV neither, I think that instead of watching TV she play piano in the evening.  You don’t often see that nowadays now do you?  Why don’t you get her on your next TV adverting, maybe for Easter?

My Toilet Ecstasy!

About a year ago I bought this toilet from B&Q, and because of this toilet the past year has been the best year of my life.  On discovering that B&Q have a section of their website where they actively encourage people to leave a compliment I thought I would share with them the joy their bog has brought me

 
Dear Wonderful Wonderful B&Q,

  About a year ago I bought one of your ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’.  Around that time I was having problems with my movements (I am an 84 year old man and not long for this world so such problems are not unusual (as Tom Jones once said)). 

Figuring that a change was as good a holiday I decided to replace my clapped out old Armitage Shanks crapper with a brand spanking new one from one of your wonderful stores. 

I chose your ‘To Go’ toilet because up until that point that was the thing I was having most problems  with (i.e. I was unable ‘to go’).

 

Well bless my saints no sooner had my new chod trough been fitted that my guts took a remarkable about face!  It was as if someone had waved a magic wand over my back end and it sprang to life like the chest buster scene in Alien.

I haven’t looked back since, there’s been no need, it is clear by the sound alone that everything is in perfect working order back there.  In fact each morning now I am graced with the pounding anal rhythms of me taking the first (and usually most) vigorous dump of the day.  Ah yes the sound of those triumphant turds touchdowning into the toilet water are truly MY dawn chorus!

Through the good times and the bad my ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’ has been there for me.  In fact I remember one incident from the summer which shows just what a quality item this toilet is.

 

I had spent the afternoon sitting in the park drinking QC Sherry by myself.  On my way home feeling a bit peckish I decided to try out one of those kebabs I keep hearing so much about.  Bouyed up with the false QC courage I demanded a kebab “with everything”.  I took it home and tucked in but no sooner had I swallowed the last mouthful than there was a full scale kerfuffel in my colon.

I raced to my porcelain throne onto which I was glued for the next half hour.  The water beneath me was treated to a brown avalanche the like of which I had not expelled in years, nay, DECADES. I swear after the deluge finally ceased I wasn’t sure if I should wipe my arse or bandage it!  But my ‘B&Q Toilet To Go White’ held true and with a quick flush and scrub with the brush it was good as new.

 

But I fear I am boring you with these longwinded platitudes so I shall sign of with one final round of thanks,

THANKS B&Q YOU ROCK!!

  Spike

 

Citigolf

On a recent visit to Belfast I passed an establishment called Citigolf. I was compelled to write to them.

Dear Citigolf,
where do you people get off?
Why in heaven’s earth did you decide to call yourselves Citigolf instead of City Golf?
What, pray tell is to be gained by spelling your name wrongly?
Do you think it makes you cool? Do you think that the ‘kids’ will want to go to you crap hole?
Do you think Prince will be impressed by your crap spelling and decide to call in for a few ’rounds’?
You may think I am over-reacting to your disgraceful disregard to proper spelling but I assure I am not.
As an ethnic person (I am a black man) I know better than anyone the terrible struggle immigrants have to make their way in Belfast. Most come over here with only their native language and only start to learn English after they arrived. It does them no favours AT all when signs on Public Buildings like your shop front are spelt wrong! You can imagine what the poor bastards are thinking when they see it
“What is a citi? Is that the same as city? Is city actually spelt citi? have I been spelling it wrong?”
Then you can imagine one such person writing an address to show to some one spelling citi. More than likely they will be mocked for the poor spelling. Such mockery leads to resentment my friends, so it is not surprising that the Arab world hates us westeners so much when people like you are making their lives needlessly hard.

I demand that you and your organisation change your name immediately to help the minorities. Now I know that you are a golfing organisation and I know the golfing industry traditionally does not have much time for minorities but I think even you will agree that in the current climate something needs to be done.

Yours Ferociously,
Spike

Hello Mr Number At Being Cool

I don’t know if you are aware but last week the most important annual event in journalism occurred, the NME announced it’s Cool List (in association with Nokia).  The winner was a Mr Frank Carter of ‘hardcore’ ‘punk’ band The Gallows.   In order to mark this occasion I decided to send Frank a message.

Dear Frank (if you are any other member of the Gallows stop reading now, you did not make the Cool List and therefore are not worthy to read my words),

Can I just say CONGRATULATIONS on becoming #1 Cool List Man of 2007 as decided by the NME in association with Nokia (What’s cooler than the Rockstar who has it all?  Why the Nokia N81 of course! LOL!).  You must be very proud to know that your existence here on earth has made a real impact.

To be honest before I saw the NME list (In association with the Nokia N Series) I didn’t even know who you were!  Don’t be too offended by that, I am an 84 year old man and much modern music passes me by, but being a big fan of cool ever since first watching the Fonz in Happy Days I decided to check you guys out!

I found the video for your “Staring At The Rude Boys” single on the internet and I must say I was amazed.

‘Oh my Gosh’ I thought, ‘here is a punk band who are releasing a cover of a punk song, how unbelievably cool is that!’

I was so amazed that i had to phone up my friend Tim to tell him

‘Wait to you hear this Tim!  There is a punk band, who’s lead singer is in the combined opinion of the NME AND Nokia the coolest in the list!  And guess what their new song, well it isn’t even a new song!  No it’s a cover of a song by minor punk band The Ruts! How amazing is that?!’

Typical of Tim he was not impressed.

‘Sure didn’t Busted  start the idea of covering punk bands when they did Teenage Kicks.  Are these guy like Busted?’

‘No Tim, you idiot, these guys are not like Busted!  For a start the song is a ‘Hard core’ ‘punk’ song  right but it has a rapper in it!’

‘Holy Christ’ said Tim, ‘Are you serious?’

‘Yes I am, and only that, the guy rapping is BLACK!  That’s right a BLACK man on a Punk rock song!’

‘Shitting Jesus, that’s the coolest thing I have ever heard!’ said Tim.

I bet it was your idea to put a black rapper on a Punk song wasn’t it Frank?  I bet you thought it up all by your own cool (in association with Nokia) self? Didn’t you Frank?  I bet you did?

I then went on to tell tell Tim about how you got tattooed on stage and how you are getting Fuck The NME tattooed on yourself

‘But they gave him the award in association with Nokia?!?’ said Tim

‘I know!’  I told him ‘but Frank is so cool he doesn’t care!’

So Frank I just want to say I love you and that I don’t think there has been a single more important person on the earth ever and I bet if you ever were allowed to release a single of a song you had actually written yourself I bet it would be amazing.  And cool! (In association with Nokia of course).

Good bless you Frank,  you are a Prince Among men! May you live forever.

Regards,

Spike

( p.s. I only have a Sony Ericsson phone, is that okay?  Do I need to get a Nokia one now to be cool? )

The Hoosiers Respond

The Hoosiers sent me this

thats funny,
yes we’re twats
but its fun 

Ungh! It’s that’s not thats!  And it’s it’s not its! Can’t these faux indie kids spell!